


Numb The Pain

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-04
Updated: 2005-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 01:13:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12070695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: What if Justin doesn't meet Brian until after the prom. How will he deal with the kids at school when they find out he is gay?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

**Authors Note: Please be warned this story will be dealing with issues of self harming, suicide and agoraphobia. So if you don’t like those kind of stories turn your ass back around. Also am looking for a beta. This is my first story so please be gentle.**

* * *

“Justin?” my mother yells as I rush past her and up the stairs as fast as my legs will go. Reaching my bedroom I open the door and shut it quickly once I’m inside. I lean back against the door breathing heavily. I feel the tears begin to fall and force myself to swallow the lump in my throat. Sliding down the door I pull my knees to my chest and look across the room into the mirror. I look at my reflection, at the mess I am and I’m angered by myself. I’m such a pathetic fag, I deserve everything I get. Resisting the urge to smash the mirror into a million pieces, I get up from my position on the floor and walk over to my wardrobe stripping off my clothes as I go. Marks cover my body all different kinds cuts, scratches, bruises. Pulling out a pair of jeans and a long sleeved t shirt from my wardrobe I slip them on and run my hands through my hair. 

Nobody knows about the marks that cover my body and I’m not going to share the information with anyone. No, it’s not child abuse. I sometimes wish it was, there would be an explanation that people could understand. How do you explain to someone that the marks that cover you were done by your own hand? That every time you hurt yourself you feel safe because you have control over what you’re doing and that when you cause yourself pain on the outside it makes you forget about the pain on the inside. Nobody would understand they’d have me carted off to the loony bin before even trying to. How do you tell people that you’re scared of dying but are more terrified of living? That you are trapped and it doesn’t matter how many times you runaway or try to hide they are always there. You’re afraid of shutting your eyes just for a second because you know that the images of you tormenters will be there, waiting in the darkness.

“Justin?” my mother shouts up the stairs. “It’s time for dinner.”

No, they wouldn’t understand so you do what you always do. You put a smile on your face and act as if your insides are not trying to work their way out of your throat. You say that you’re fine and that everything is okay. Because if they ever found out you know you’d not be able to stay here, you’d have to leave. Leave your home, your safe place. You would not be able to handle the looks in their eyes, the disappointment and knowing that you were the one who caused it.

“JUSTIN!”

“I’m coming.” I yell, pulling the sleeves on my t shirt over my hands. Checking myself in the mirror I wipe a few stray tears from my face. Pausing at my door I take a deep breath and head downstairs. In the back of my mind I’m always wondering how long I can keep the act going before I finally crack.


	2. Numb The Pain

Just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who reviewed. It really means a lot. Still searching for a beta so mistakes are mine. Dedicated to Sid, THE CLAW.

* * *

Justin POV

“Hi sweetie how was school?” mom asks me, as she sits down at the dinner table.

I want to scream at her that it was the worst fucking day of my life just like every other but I don’t. “It was good actually. I was messing around with Chris and his buddies.” Yeah right, more like they were messing around with me. Fucking Hobbs!   
Why did I have to be so stupid?

“He’s on the football team right?” mom asks

“Yeah,” I whisper and almost let my mask slip.

It was about two months ago, I can still remember everything as if it only happened yesterday. It was Wednesday and we had just entered the locker room after a painful game of dodge ball. Christ I must’ve got smacked by the ball at least fifteen times. Luckily it was the last lesson of the day and I decided to take a shower. That was when it happened, Chris Hobbs naked in the shower. I don’t know what made me to do it but I ended up stepping into the shower with him. I still remember his face when he turned around and saw me. He was so angry; his eyes looked like they were going to burst. He pushed me hard out of the shower and I landed with a thud onto the floor. He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist and then gave me a swift kick in the ribs. By this time half the boys had heard the commotion and came running in to see what was going on. Chris then put his hands around my throat in attempt to strangle me. “I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!” he screamed, it was so loud the sound echoed off the walls. My vision was going blurry and I was having a hard time trying to breathe. One of the other students managed to get him off me and pull him to the other side of the room. Once he was a safe distance away from me I scrabbled to my feet and ran out of the locker rooms. I bumped into the wall a few times on the way out, my vision was still a little blurred and I remember him screaming after me. “YOU’RE DEAD TAYLOR! DO YOU HEAR ME FAGGOT? YOU’RE DEAD!”

“Justin?”

“Huh?” I ask, turning to the voice that was calling my name.

“I said are you going to tryout for the team this year?” my dad repeats.

Not fucking likely, I think and reply by shrugging my shoulders. 

 

***

 

Brian POV

Entering the diner I see Theodore and Emmett sitting in our usual spot and walk over to them. “Hey Deb, can I get some service here?” I shout sliding into the booth next to Emmett. Where the fucks Mikey?

“Keep your fucking pants on. I only have one pair of hands,” Deb yells.

“Hey Brian, it is nine inch night tonight at Babylon. You want to check it out?” Theodore says.

“I don’t care. But seeing as though it will be the closet thing you’ll get to seeing nine inches up close and personal, I could see why you’d be first in line,” I drawl.

“What the fucks got you panties in a twist? Cant you just for once….”

“Coffee please Deb,” interrupting her.

“Yes your majesty,” Deb mocks, adding a bow before she leaves.

The bell above the door rings and Michael enters the diner. 

“You’ll never guess what I got?” Mikey says.

“Syphilis?” I smirk. 

“No asshole, I got……..a limited edition Captain Astro shirt,” he breaks out into a huge smile at this. Oh Mikey the things that make you happy.

“Err cool,” I reply, checking my watch. Shit! “Deb, make that coffee to go,”

“What’s the rush? Got an ass that you’ve got to fill?” Emmett jokes.

“As much as I’d love to be rushing off for that it’s not the reason. I’ve got a meeting with a new client,” sliding out of the booth and paying for my coffee. I exit the diner without saying goodbye.

“Your welcome,” I hear Deb shout.

 

***

 

Justin POV

“Justin, hurry up you’ll be late for school,” Yeah I wouldn’t want to keep Hobbs and his mates waiting. I think for a moment of faking illness but decide against it. No point delaying the inevitable, I throw the duvet off me and walk to the shower.

Entering the prison that is school, I take a deep breath and make my way to the lockers. Reaching my locker I open it and begin to put my books away. “FUCK!” I scream in pain, holding my hand from the force of the locker that was just slammed on it. Looking up I look into the face of a smirking Chris. Oh great, just terrific. 

“Hey Taylor, how’s your ribs?” he laughs and I flinch. Chris high fives one of those jocks and they walk away. I breathe a sigh of relief and start to put my books away again. I hope that they don’t do anything else today. Shutting my locker I turn around and bump straight into Daphne.

“Hey watch it, what am I invisible?” she laughs.

“Sorry,” I mumble and stare at my feet. 

“Don’t worry about it, what did you do last night?”

“Erm….” I get a flash of silver rush through my mind and the specs of red on my floor. “Nothing much really, I just watched TV. What about you?” I say, pulling at the sleeve of my blazer.

“I had to baby sit my cousin. The spawn of hell wouldn’t stop pulling my hair. I don’t even want to discuss what she did to my face with those fucking paints,” I laugh at the thought of Daph covered in kiddie poster paint. She puts her arm over my shoulder and whispers in my ear. “I wouldn’t laugh if I were you or you’ll wake up tomorrow as a drag queen,” 

“Noooo,” I laugh and we head off to class.

 

***

 

Brian POV

I reach the agency in record time and walk into the offices. Ryder approaches me before I even have a chance to get inside the building.

“Where have you been? They’ll be here in ten minutes,” he tells me and walks away.

I follow him towards the meeting room as my assistant appears at my side. “So, what have you got planned that will wow them all?” she asks, walking along with me.

“I’ll tell you when I know,” I smirk and Cynthia laughs. I’d just finished preparing for the meeting when the new client walks in.

“Brian, this is Craig Taylor,” Ryder introduces and I shake his hand.

“Good morning Mr Taylor, shall we get this meeting underway?”

 

***

 

Justin POV

I’m waiting in the lunch queue and I try my hardest not to look like a pathetic fag that I am. Apart from the locker incident Hobbs and his friends haven’t done anything else. After a few minutes I collected my lunch and scan the room for Daphne. I spot her sitting by the window at the far end of the room. I walk over to her tray in hand, when I’m suddenly tripped. I hear laughter and get up from the floor, looking down at myself and my shirt which is now covered in pasta sauce. “Aww poor baby,” I stiffen at the sound of Chris’s voice behind me but I don’t turn around. “You missed a bit Taylor. Here let me help you,” I’m confused by his words for a moment, and then I feel hot liquid being poured over me. I scream for the second time today from pain and run out of the cafeteria. I hear laughter as I run out of there and the distant voice of one of Chris’s mates. “What’s the matter Taylor? Don’t fags like hot chocolate?”

I run into the boy’s bathroom and into one of the stalls. I lock the door and sit on the toilet seat, pulling my knees up to my chest and covering my ears. I feel my fingers beginning to itch for something, anything to make it stop. I start to scratch at my thighs and ankles, the tears falling silently down my face.


	3. Numb The Pain

**Thanks to Carrie, Mari and Cara for answering all my annoying questions. And a big huge thanks to all the girls on AIM for putting up with me.**

* * *

Justin POV

It’s almost the end of another hellish school day and I can’t stop my mind from wondering about all the different ways I could make Chris suffer. I sneak a glance in Hobb’s direction and notice he’s staring straight at me, with that fucking face full of satisfaction. Asshole! 

“CHRISTOPHER HOBBS!” Mr Langly yells, “Could you tell me what could possibly be more interesting than your education?” This is why Langly is one of the most hated teachers in the school; the fucker gets wound up by the smallest of things. Makes me wonder how he ever got a teaching job – desperation I suppose?

“Err…..” 

I have to inwardly laugh at the fact that for once, Chris is lost for words. I start to doodle on my notebook, not paying any attention to what the teacher is saying; of course Mr Langly notices this.

“JUSTIN TAYLOR!” 

Fuck! “Sorry sir.” I mumble, not meeting his eyes.

“That’s it you’re both in detention.”

“Fuck!” Chris shouted in outrage. For the first time since Chris starting making it his mission in life to destroy me, I actually agree with him.

“Watch your language Chris,” Langly the lunatic chided. 

On that note the bell rings signalling the end of last period. I was actually looking forward to going home, but now I’m stuck in detention….alone with my tormenter. Thank god I only have one more week left, and then I’m out of this hell hole.

The whole class, with the exception of Chris and myself, pack up their things and head out the door. Daph glances back at me as she leaves worry etched across her face before disappearing out the door.

“Sir, I have football practice, I need to go.”

“And I am in the land of I don’t care.”

Defeated - Chris slumps back in his chair and unfortunately turns his icy cold gaze to me. I visibly gulp and that pleases him no end. I quickly whip my head to the front and make it my mission to count how many specs of chalk are on the teacher’s desk. One, two, three….don’t look at Chris….four, five. “Now you two make yourselves useful and bang the erasers. They need a good clean” Shit! There goes my chalk counting mission.

We both take a pair of erasers and walk towards the window. I bang them together and the dust goes into the air and irritates my allergies. Oh great, that’s all I need to be sneezing. As usual luck is not on my side and Chris notices. The fucker then proceeds to bang his erasers near me sending the chalk dust in my direction. That sends me into a sneezing fit and makes him smirk triumphantly. Fucker!

After what seemed like an eternity Mr Langly announces that detention is over and we’re free to go. I hesitate at this forgetting that I have to walk out with Chris……alone. Shit! I quickly pack away my school shit and race out the door. I’m halfway down the hallway when I feel a hand grab me by the back of the neck. Fucking Hobbs, he spins me round and smacks my head into a near by locker. Laughing he lets me go and I fall to floor, giving him an opportunity to give me a swift kick in my already bruised ribs. Satisfied he continues down the hallway leaving me pitifully lying on the floor, holding my ribs.

***

I find myself walking down Liberty Avenue after the run in with Chris. I’m not really in the mood to go home right now, even though I need release from the pain and torment I’ve suffered today. I near the Diner and smack straight into someone, I look up at the stranger and see the most gorgeous man in the world. Am I drooling? I think I’m drooling?

“Shit! I’m sorry….” I begin to apologise, but he cuts me off with a wave of his hand and enters the diner.

I follow him inside and watch the gorgeous man walk over to a booth that’s occupied by another dark haired guy. “Hey Brian,” the dark haired man greets. Brian? Nice name. I suddenly realize how stupid I must look, standing in the middle of the diner staring at a complete stranger.

“What can I get you honey?” Deb asks. I turn around to face her. “Hey sunshine, where have you been hiding yourself?”

“Oh I’ve just had a lot to do,” Liar. “Been too busy with friends and I just haven’t had the time to come down.” Liar, liar pants on fire. 

“What will it be?” Deb asks, popping her gum.

“Just some lemon bars to go,” While Debbie is busy getting my order; I turn around to take another look at the hottie I bumped into. I turn back around just as Deb appears with my lemon bars. “Thanks.” I say and walk out of the diner, stealing another quick glance in Brian’s direction.

 

***

“Justin, is that you?” my mother shouts.

“Yeah,” I reply and walk into the kitchen, where my mother is sitting at the table with my uncle. “What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too.” He laughs

“Rory is staying with us until the construction on his house is finished.” Mom explains.

“Hey squirt, take these up to my room would you.” Rory says, handing me his bags. I glare at him and my mother, before turning around and lugging his bags up to the spare room.

Dropping the bags to the floor I start to leave the room when something stops me. Pausing at the door a smile appears on my face and I turn back round to stare at the bags. Walking over to them I unzip the first bag and search through until I find what I’m looking for. Placing the object under my blazer, I zip up the bag and run to my room. Locking the door I toss my bag onto my bed and retrieve the object from my blazer. Christ! This couldn’t be more perfect, you can always count on Uncle Rory. I run my fingers over the gun, before walking over to my bed and placing it in my bag. Grinning I think about how I can’t wait for the prom. The fucker will finally get what he deserves. I bend down and grab my lockbox from under the bed and open it.

Grabbing one of the sharpest knifes from my set, I remove my blazer and roll up my shirt sleeve. Pressing the knife to the inside of my arm, I slowly drag it across my skin, making sure to create nice neat lines. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the way steel against my skin makes me feel. I have control over every single line, the pain stops. Satisfied I place the knife back in the box and lock it. I stare at my arm and the word REVENGE carved into my skin, the blood trickling down to my elbow and onto the floor. I stand up fast like always, to get a head rush from it and the little blood loss. I start to think about what’s going to happen on Prom night and I laugh. I just hate that I have to wait a week, but as they say revenge is best served cold.


End file.
